Our Future

We finally know a little bit about our future. After two years of being in limbo with health, finances, work - it seems we finally have a somewhat foggy idea of what the next few years are going to look like. Sometime in July we will be moving to Berkeley California for law school. I was shocked to say the least when I had a message on my cell from the Dean of Admissions telling me that "you've been accepted to Berkeley Law School, so congratulations and go out to dinner."

So soon I will be spending untold hours of my life back in the classroom, and library studying law. Depending on our financial aid package - Ash might be starting school as well to work towards an RN. It finally feels like we're moving forward, although to be honest I say that with a bit of reservation - hoping not to tempt fate. I know that God is loving and compassionate. I know that He has walked beside us through these past few years - it is only by his grace that we came out on the other side with a better marriage, a better outlook on our circumstances and a deeper trust in Him - however I'm still human, and things are going so good that I have to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.

That being said, Ash is excited to be near the ocean again, and I am excited to finally be taking steps to a vision I've held in my heart for almost seven years now (I'm also excited for sushi and good Mexican food). I'm also a bit sad. This past year I feel like I've grown much closer with my parents, and have been able to make up some of the time lost while living overseas and in Hawaii. I've enjoyed my babies getting to know my parents and seeing them love on their Mimmi and Papa. I've enjoyed seeing Ash get to know my family better. I hope that as the business of life continues go that we'll take time to play Pinochle, go fishing and gardening before we leave. So yeah, it feels a bit surreal but God has finally shown us where our future is - at leaste for the next three years.

2010

2010 was an eventful year to say the least. It started with a move from Honolulu HI to Missoula MT - to get on our feet after what has to be the worst 8 months of our lives. I finished my chemotherapy this year, turned 31, took my LSAT and scored really well, celebrated my Grandma’s 90th birthday, and daughters 1st and 4th birthdays. I had my first full year of being in remission. I worked at Home Depot and am now a music director of a Lutheran Church (who would’ve thought?). Looking back on 2010 as difficult as much of it was - I can see the faithfulness of God.

I finally feel after several years that I am moving forward in my life. I feel that God is near to me again after a long period of wondering if my prayers were not unlike talking to someone during a thunderstorm. I’m not sure how to describe it, but I just feel that spiritually I’m finally moving out the mud that held me for so long. Physically I’m healthy (knock on wood), mentally I feel focused on the future, and I feel like law school is no longer a dream but a coming reality. In all, despite the difficulties this year had for me, I feel that 2010 was a year of redemption in many ways. God has blessed me with another year. A year where I lived to see my 7th anniversary, countless cuddles and kisses from my babies, spending more time with my parents, and growing much closer to my wonderful wife. I am thankful to God for everything, and I pray that he will continue to give me the grace to climb the mountains further up the trail of life.

Climbing Your Mountain

Robert Pirsig once said "To live for some future goal is shallow. It's the sides of the mountains that sustain life." I'm not sure I completely agree with that, but one thing I do know now more than ever - character is forged on a mountain not in the valley. Have you ever climbed a mountain for fun? The view at the top is often a majestic one, but I can't say that climbing mountains is fun. It's hard, no matter how good of shape you're in, climbing up the slope of a mountain is just simply difficult.

The past four years of my life has seemed as though I have been struggling up a mountain to an unknown summit. Through it all I have probably known and experienced the entire pantheon of human emotions. Faith, despair, hope, discouragement, anger, joy - each have had it's place in my mind. However, at the end I have found a new kind of faith. It is a faith that is no longer theory or theology - but rather a state of faith that God has developed through hardship. I truly believe that no matter what, God is still there, patiently guiding me to my summit. I think this new found faith began one early morning while I was driving to a job that paid me very little money, for very physical work while I was still dealing with the effects of chemotherapy. As I was driving I was listening to a worship song. At one point this song says "Savior, He can move mountains..." and began praying that God would move the mountains I was facing. At that moment I heard God whisper to me. It was so clear. It wasn't some reassuring word of encouragement saying the end of my difficulties were near, rather it was simply this; "Phil, I don't move your mountains, I give you the grace to climb them."

I believe this is the reality of life. No matter what, life is going to have obstacles. Some will seem like small detours, while others will feel like insurmountable roadblocks. The ability to weather these storms is what God uses to mold us into the people He wants us to be. So my new found prayers ask for grace and guidance to navigate the narrow paths on the mountains of life rather than asking God to move me to flat ground. Then hopefully at the end of my journey, I will be able to look back on my life and see the beautiful view at the summit, and how far He has brought me.